Humor On The Beach

Saturday, August 26, 2006

For those long days at the mall with your significant other

Rednecks, college and Logic...

Two Dundalk guys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at the Poplar Inn, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Dundalk Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done!" the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

Saturday, August 19, 2006

IKEA, fantasy, and Reality...

IKEA

Blondes and auto mechanics:

A blonde woman came in the store, and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of The engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and Asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up

And asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

Politics, Robots, and Bars:

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.

The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly
prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool" He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." !
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So.. is... your... party... gonna... nominate. .. Hillary... for.
president ???"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

You have to see this commercial at Lamplighter

Monday, August 14, 2006

Beware Of Waters Bearing Spoons:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Saturday, August 12, 2006



Zarqawi is introduced to the first five of his 72 virgins...not what he was hopping for...

The purpose of this blog is to post things I find humorous regardless of whether they are PC or not. So if you are easily offended, stay away.